B1G Championship Weekend

You could say it was destiny. You could say it was luck. You could say it was a number of things. But, at the end of it all, Purdue women's basketball help up the second straight B1G championship trophy. For the record, I never once doubted the team during the Big Ten Tournament. Everyone knows that 60 percent of the time, the three seed in tournaments wins every time. So, there is the logical answer for why the ladies celebrated in what seemed like a handful of confetti and cut down the nets.

The road to get there was tough. Literally, the roads up to Hoffman Estates, Illinois nearly drained my bank account with all the God forsaken toll roads. Why would it be destiny and why would it be luck? Well I haven't quite figured out the destiny part, but it sounds cool. As for luck, you could say the fact that Michigan State beat number one seeded Penn State made it slightly easier. If you believe that, wrap your mind around the fact that the ladies went Captain Insano on the Spartans and opened up a can of whoop ass in the first half. It wouldn't have mattered if Penn State showed up on Sunday, I guarantee we would've won, just like Joe Namath guaranteed to win Super Bowl III (then immediately went to the bar).

I'll be giving a detailed synopsis of the weekend from the prospective of the RIP Squad, because that's the only prospective I can give you. I think it'd be a good idea to begin the Thursday of the tournament, when I decided I'd be skipping my statistics class the next day (it was a review day for those worried about my academic standing). It seemed like a good idea to go ahead and make the trip up north by myself since I had nothing else to do in West Lafayette. Fellow practice player Corbin Richter would join me at the hotel later that night.

I arrived at the hotel around three in the afternoon. I had been keeping in touch with Sam Ostarello and told her I was at the hotel, which I originally thought was same as where the team was staying. I check in, take my things to my room, and told Sam I was going to stop by her room (which I believed to be right down the hall from mine). The only problem was, Sam wasn't staying in this particular room 411. I should've known something was odd when the maid cart was outside and door wide open (this would not be my only encounter with the maid). You've probably realized at this point at Sam was absolutely not in the room. It was then when I realized I was in a totally different hotel. I wasn't going to complain about not staying in the team hotel. The coaches had booked a block of rooms for some people at our hotel so it wasn't like we were totally alone.

When I stay in a hotel, it never fails that this scene from Seinfeld pops into my head. The first morning provided enough entertainment to last the weekend. It was about 8:30 in the morning, both Corbin and I are still asleep, and I wake up to the sound of someone spraying Windex or something in the bathroom. I sit up wondering what the hell is going on. At first I thought it was Corbin doing...whatever he would be doing. It turns out Corbin is sound asleep in his bed. I'm sitting in my bed for about a minute and out comes the maid. At this point, I'm shocked and couldn't say anything. It was like I had seen Bigfoot for the first time. The maid had broken into my hotel room and took it upon herself to clean a mirror that she had probably cleaned less than 12 hours ago. Apparently she thought I was Bigfoot too because she looked quite terrified herself. She asked if she could come back, and I could only think of the scene from Tommy Boy where David Spade pretends to be a maid. I eventually told her we were fine and didn't need her talents.

This was a great start to the weekend as you can imagine, and it made me want to spend as little time in the hotel as possible. With that said, we spent a majority of our time over at the team hotel with the team and managers. Three other RIP Squad members made the trip up Friday to watch the game and stay for the remainder of the time.

If you would've told me the closest game of the tournament for the team would be in the quarterfinals against the 11 seed Wisconsin, I would have scoffed in your face like I was better than you and told you to lay off the peyote. I'm not saying I don't have confidence in the team, but the odds would favor higher seeds giving us a better game. The odds also favored Georgetown and San Diego State in the NCAA Tournament this past week and we all know how that ended up.

The win against the Badgers pushed the team into the semifinals against Nebraska, a familiar foe in which they've actually played an extra game than records show due to overtimes. We showed up at the arena wanting to go straight to our seats, but we were roped in by the Verizon people. Its like getting caught in a riptide, these people are like wolves. To put it all together, wolves dragged us into a riptide and made us do things we didn't want to do. As far as I know, none of us have Verizon so the whole presentation they were was pointless. I don't care that they gave us all microfiber pouches for participating, I'm not switching to Verizon.

Since we had wristbands, we were allowed to sit in an elite section of fans right behind the bench. We stuck our noses up at the people who had to sit higher up as we were escorted down to our padded seats with complimentary concessions (actually everyone had padded seats and there was no complimentary concessions, so the wristbands really did nothing). We did, however, get to sit front row. This meant two things. One, we had a nice leg rest in front of us. And two, we were going to be on TV every time down the floor. I was more self conscious than a couple on the Kiss Cam that isn't really a couple (this happened to one of our former managers at a home game). People took pictures of me and the rest of the squad looking like death while clapping to the school song on their TV's.

Nebraska didn't put up much of a fight. Their stars Jordan Hooper and Lindsey Moore didn't have great performances and failed to take advantage of the softest rims in the history of basketball. It seemed like every shot that was put on the rim went in. We had to set the tone for the rest of the crowd by being in the front row. So, we did things like celebrating three pointers by pounding three fingers to our head and doing the Marshall Henderson Landshark.

After the game, we joined the team at their hotel to catch the end of the Michigan State and Penn State game. They were ecstatic to see Sparty pull off the upset to say the least, it must be something about Penn State's Maggie Lucas. We joined the managers in their room after the game ended not only to hang out with them, but because they had enough snacks and Gatorade to feed the entire continent of Africa (I mean the wealthy parts, there was more than enough for the impoverished areas). We spent all night there playing cards and conversing with the players as they came in and out to get food and hang with the cool kids.

The day of the championship was one to remember. For one, it was pouring down rain which proves that James Naismith is a genius for making basketball an inside sport. Two, we avoided being kidnapped by the Verizon people again. And three, the girls didn't mess around with Michigan State and brought home back to back B1G championships. The team and fans celebrated like it was 1999, except nobody has an active My Space account (if you do there’s something missing in your life) and Britney Spears isn’t relevant anymore. A stage was brought out for the trophy presentation, and they shot handfuls of confetti out of a cannon. For the RIP Squad, it was a proud moment. We realized that all the work we put in this season paid off. Then again, we didn’t practice with them during the tournament so we really questioned ourselves as if we really matter. But, the coaches and players tell us otherwise so we have to believe them.

After the win, the team and a select number of fans and family of the team traveled down the road to a Dave and Buster’s. When we arrived, the manager said they didn't have a reservation for the team. Everyone there made it clear that this was their problem and not ours. They decided to take care of us, which was a good decision on their part. Imagine 17 supposed adults running around like six year olds playing vicious games of four-way air hockey and ski ball. We had an unlimited number of credits to play any game we wanted. Since the point of going to an arcade is to collect as many tickets as possible, we left with about 6500 tickets. It helps when you find the one machine that spits out 250 tickets every time no matter what (because it was broke and I wouldn't let little kids play). That sounds like a lot, but when you realize we could only buy stuffed animals it makes you wonder how much people have to spend to buy a $15 teddy bear. 

It was a great way to end the weekend. The only thing left to do was drive back and give the state of Illinois whatever I had left in my pocket by going through the toll roads again. Their season continues tomorrow night against Louisville with a chance to go to the Sweet 16. They beat Liberty Sunday to get them in this position. Since we don't get to practice with them until they get back from the tournament, all I know about Louisville is they're a five seed playing at home. None of this matters, because the only good things to come out of Louisville are baseball bats and Colonel Sanders. I didn't include Rick Pitino because it's obvious he runs the mafia and we as a society should frown upon that. Tune into ESPN tomorrow night at 7 to cheer on the team.

Boiler Up

B1G Week Ahead

As I sit here watching our men's team go toe to toe with Michigan and awaiting the new episodes of Duck Dynasty, two thoughts run through my head. One, I'm questioning where this Sandi Marcius fella has been all season. The second, I realize it has been a while since my readers have been enlightened on behind the scenes information about Purdue women's basketball. I apologize for this. It is so hard to focus on more than one thing around Spring Break. That one thing is obviously my studies and not the fact that a week off is in the near future. But, I'm here to fill you all in on the events of the past week and get you ready for the B1G tournament.

The ladies had two chances last week to lock up a three seed in the conference tournament, and did so with a victory against Illinois on senior day. The saying "better late than never" applies here since they waited until their last game to ensure a Friday game this week. They could've done it against Sparty, but maybe it was my fault for that loss. There is an explanation for this. Last week before the matchup against Michigan State, I was told to grab a football pad and hit the post players as they were going up for layups. Now, this was at the beginning of practice, so I figured it would be a good idea to take it easy and let them warm up. My logic proved to be foolish as I hear Coach Versyp yelling from the other end of the gym at me to pound them with the pad. It caught me off guard, and quite honestly it scared me half to death. I panicked and just started hitting them with no regard for their safety. So I dearly apologize if I knocked one of them in the head a couple or ten times.

This week is likely one of the biggest weeks of the season for the team. So it seems like a perfect time to utilize an undefeated RIP Squad right? Truth is, we only practiced with them once this week so I suppose that paints a picture of how useful we really are (this is of course a joke considering the coaches and players get pumped when we show up). To sum up this practice, we prepared for both Wisconsin and Illinois (both possible matchups for Friday's game), felt extremely fatigued due to having three days off, and I was trapped by Taylor Manuel under the rim for what felt like hours. I'm sure the last thing on that list caught your attention so I'll explain. When I say trapped, I don't mean that I was on the ground and she had fallen on top of me. That sounds bad, but what really happened was even worse. Taylor is by far the widest post player on the team, and when she gets position on you on the block, there is no escape. I was just along for the ride when I switched off onto her and was stuck behind while she just laid the ball in for two. This same scenario has happened to many of our other practice guys. I believe we can now all attend the same therapy class and express our emotions.

As the three seed, it looks like the ladies will have to go through the winner of Wisconsin and Illinois, then either Nebraska or Iowa to reach the semi-finals. From there, Penn State looms on the lower half of the bracket as the top seed and is apparently the favorite. The seeding of a team doesn’t matter in any tournament. If it did, Butler wouldn’t have become a national sensation and Lehigh and Norfolk State wouldn’t have essentially ripped my bracket in half last year (there is a good percentage of you who understand my pain). I won’t make any kind of predictions because I could end up eating my words. I’ll just say I’d like to still be in Hoffman Estates come Sunday evening celebrating. Last year when they won the tournament, the players cut us a piece of the net and brought it over to us in the front row. It was such a great moment for us; actually it was probably the closest we’ll ever get to the playing floor. We would’ve been on the court like everyone else but apparently saying “we practice with them every day” isn’t a good enough reason for the security guards to let it slide.

We'll try again this weekend up in Hoffman Estates. The group of us going are really looking forward to paying our way through the toll roads to get there and watching the ladies chase another tournament championship. Next week will be dedicated to the NCAA tournament and what will inevitably our last few practices with the team this year. Tune in next time for the finale of RIP Squad pains for the 2012-2013 season.        

The Mackey Basketball Massacre

It has been a rough stretch for the ladies here the past two weeks with three losses out of their last four games. It began with the loss to Penn State, then Michigan and Iowa have added to the loss column. A win at Wisconsin is the one positive note for them. But, the good news is a matchup against Indiana at the Hall of Calls on Wednesday will hopefully turn this streak around and get them playing well just in time for March.

I believe I speak for the rest of the practice guys when I say I'm ready for them to start playing well again. Don't get me wrong, a normal practice is more physical than people would think women's basketball can be. But, when the coaching staff decides it is time to prove a point and see what the players are made of, it becomes a horror movie for us. That might be a slight exaggeration, but I'm telling you it's terrifying to see the look in a ticked Drey Mingo's eyes when she has the ball and wants to score. There's a mutual understanding among everyone in the gym that nobody is going to stop her when she is in that mode. The poor, unfortunate soul who had to (attempt to) guard her took a beating. It just so happens that it was me, luckily I wear a mothpiece otherwise I would've been sucking my food through a straw for the next three months. It wasn't just her, everyone was playing for their spot. It didn't help that there were only two RIP Squad guys there (myself and Chris Knefelcamp), so we were needing an oxygen mask by the time we were done. I found myself quoting the Mista Mista lady from Happy Gilmore, "Get me outta here!" Except it was legitimately out of fear.

We had two days or practice between Michigan and Wisconsin. Day one was the more physical of the two, mostly because they didn't go over Wisconsin's scouting report and instead appeared to reenact the D-Day invasion of Omaha Beach. If you never paid attention in history class, D-Day was one of our nation's bloodiest days. Obviously the amount of blood shed at practice (I really don't think anyone bled at all actually) doesn't compare to that of D-Day. I will say it was the second scariest practice of my life. The first you ask? The number one scariest (or just downright awful) practice of my life came in high school when my coach brought out one ball and told us all to grab towels. We proceeded to do defensive and rebounding drills for the next three hours.

You're probably thinking that isn't that bad, but then I tell you that we had to run what we called "17's" every time we lost a rebounding drill. A 17 is running sideline to sideline 17 times in half a minute, it also goes by the name Hell (I believe you've heard of that). In order to win the drills, our varsity team had to get a certain number of rebounds before the junior varsity team did. It sounds reasonable, except when your coach is borderline insane and says we had to get 10 before the JV got two. It was a losing battle to say the least.

The day before the matchup against Wisconsin included some of the previous day's physical activities, but we also ran the scout team for the Badgers. This is usually the highlight of our time at practice, except for that day I was forced to shoot left handed so the girls could get used to whoever I was supposed to be. It would have been more beneficial, for myself and the team, if I tried to kick the ball in instead of shooting it with my left hand. I've never needed, or even tried to shoot left handed, therefore, my performance was poor and embarrassing. There's a good chance I set the record for most air balls in Cardinal Court history, although I'm not sure if that or any other statistic is actually kept.

With only four games remaining in the season, the RIP Squad's season is quickly coming to an end. This of course depends on how far the team advances into the tournament. A couple of us have decided we're going to make a trick shot video since we have access to a massive gym and are allowed to stay as long as we want after practice. I figure this would be a great way to cap off another season of RIP Squad basketball. We'll start beginning this week and hopefully have it finished before the B1G tournament starts. If you've been following along with all the blog updates, you know I dream of hitting a shot from the rafters in Mackey Arena. This is a tough task for sure, but I'll do anything to make it happen (maybe not anything). Since I give the people what they want, I figured I'd give you all something to look forward to. We'll also be sending it to ESPN to be on the Top 10 plays. So check there to see me toss it from the rafters, drain it, and then pass out from my severe fear of heights. To finish, I'd like to quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken." Take that for what its worth.

We Talkin Bout Practice?

Due to complications in my schedule (studying for exams), I wasn't able to put up another post last week before the Penn State game. So, I apologize and any complaints can be addressed to my statistics professor. We were fortunate enough to be able to practice in Mackey Arena last Wednesday before the men’s game against Indiana, which means all the decorations, if you will, were put up for the game. The “Defense Lives Here” turnover counter was up by the student section, the Big 10 Network had their advertisement signs posted, and the biggest deal to us was that the announcing crew for the game was in the gym watching practice. It was a shame Gus Johnson wasn't there, because I may have passed out on the spot. We honestly felt like we were about to play a rival practice squad on national television, but we weren’t. We were still playing against the girls and getting them ready for their game the next night against the Hoosiers. This still doesn’t take away from the fact that we get jacked up to practice in these scenarios, even when it only happens about once a year. Actual athletes dream about playing on big stages, like a National Championship game, but we get excited when someone comes in the gym to watch practice. 

From there we moved on to two days of preparation before the team traveled to State College to face the Nittany Lions (if anyone can tell me what a Nittany Lion is I'd appreciate it). The team knew it was a big matchup. So did we, but we usually don’t get yelled at if we have a bad practice or play sluggish so it was just another day at the office for us. Penn State has a solid lineup led by junior guard Maggie Lucas and senior center Nikki Green. My job was to portray Lucas to the best of my abilities by not only imitating her skills, but also being an emotional player. For example, she hit a mid-range jump shot against the team and threw her hands in the air like she had just hit a buzzer beater. The coaching staff put together a game plan to focus on Lucas, and they made sure the players knew this in practice. In other words, this was a game plan to make me exhausted by running off screens and being chased like dogs on a three-legged cat, me being the cat. 

Let me say something about the physicality of women's basketball; I leave practices with more cuts and bruises practicing with these girls than I ever did in high school, and I believe the other guys on the squad are the same way. When we run sets against the girls, I usually get guarded by Dee Dee Williams, Chantel Poston, and KK Houser. Not at the same time of course, they rotate in. I always dreamed of being Michael Jordan but it clearly hasn't worked out that way, so it isn't necessary for me to be guarded by three people. They grab and pull to an extent that sometimes I'll just give up trying to go off a screen because it's not going to happen. I gave up on tucking my jersey in a long time ago, they just pull it out every play. But, I guess it isn't as bad as last year when Nette Howard (who graduated last year) ripped my jersey. 

You're probably thinking that being grabbed all practice is the worst it gets, well it isn't, it can be worse. Coming off a screen on offense is difficult, but trying to get through screens on defense is even worse. Guys set screens with our hands down protecting a certain reproductive organ that we all watch a film about in like fourth or fifth grade. Girls set screens with their arms up, and elbows out. This simulates something like the spike room Indiana Jones encounters since the girls all have pointy elbows. I think all of our guys have a bruise in one spot that stays there all season because we get hit by a screen in the same spot. 

Tomorrow the girls play Michigan at home, a game that would be a nice win to stay on track for the top spot in the conference. I'm just glad I won't have to see those bright yellow jerseys live, but I'm bringing my sunglasses just in case. The Wolverines have a lot of height, aren't particularly quick, and will zone you to sleep. As Coach Versyp put it in this morning's practice, if the girls can defend the three and keep them off the offensive glass they'll pick up a win. 

The coaches came to us last week and gave us some great news, if I do say so myself. The Big Ten tournament is in Chicago this year, and the coaching staff has reserved rooms for us in the team hotel for that weekend. First, we can't thank them enough for doing this. A special thanks to Director of Basketball Operations Terry Kix who is battling stomach cancer and doing exceptionally well. She's been such an inspiration to the team and us as well. Terry and the rest of the coaches have always been great to us so this is just icing on the cake. Second, it will be a wicked awesome time for the seven or eight of us who are able to go. We did the same thing last year in Indianapolis when they won the tournament, which made the trip even better. There's a good chance I'll be writing about out adventures during that weekend. Expect something similar to The Hangover, but without a wedding, alcohol, drugs, casinos, a fat man with a beard, and a naked Chinese guy. 

Big Week Ahead

This past week was a big week for the team. Two wins against those nerds from Evanston, Illinois and the outdated warriors from East Lansing has put the ladies in perfect position in the conference with a matchup against Penn State looming February 3rd. They sit one game behind the Nittany Lions in the B1G standings. That's a good strategy, because you never want to be in front of Penn State. Just when you least expect it, they'll sneak up and come from behind. Of course, I'm strictly speaking of a situation where Purdue is leading the conference with a few games to play and lose it to Penn State. What did you think I was talking about? But first, the team has to get a win against Indiana this Thursday. The Hoosiers aren't the strongest team, so I don't expect a loss in Mackey Arena against them.

Last week was a stellar performance for the RIP Squad in preparation for both Northwestern and Michigan State. We didn't even have to look at the scouting report to know that the Wildcats have the highest team GPA in the country (this may be a completely absurd fact and have no truth in it whatsoever. Yes, we ran the scout team against the girls in practice, but it was our work off the floor that made the difference. I can't necessarily speak for the rest of the guys, but I can tell you I attended every class, took notes like a fiend, and studied. For some reason I feel like we should do this every week. But, when the day is done, the team pulled out a win against Northwestern, which means we did our job.

Michigan State brought a bit more of a challenge. Like I said in my last post, they came in ranked 25th in the country. I also said they wouldn't be ranked this week, and wouldn't you know it, they're not (Nostradamus has nothing on me). It comes to no surprise to everyone that the win came in another overtime game. It was a grind of a game with both teams going back and forth for the majority of the game. Had Sam Ostarello not been sicker than a dog, overtime may not have been necessary. I was really hoping she would play like Michael Jordan did when he was sick (38 points in the playoffs, top that LeBron), but she didn't. These overtimes have become something of a norm for the team. Coach Versyp might as well stop practice five minutes early so the team becomes used to playing five minutes less in games. This would satisfy a number of people, including me.

With yesterday off, we started preparing for the next two games today. I usually like to wear long sleeves under my practice jersey because it keeps me warm when Mackey Arena or the new Cardinal gymnasium is cold during the winter. Today's weather brought in warmer temperatures (around 60) which made the gym warmer than usual. Knowing this would be the case, I made a poor decision to wear the long sleeves. I walked in the gym, took three shots, and I was already sweating like a fat man in a sauna. It was brutal, my body temperature had to be 200 degrees. I head over to the water cooler to try to combat this feeling that I was on fire, and I wish The Waterboy was there to hand me some high quality H2O. I eventually cooled myself down to a respectable temperature, then I hear the coaches call us down to the other side of the floor. Usually we just assist with shooting drills for the first part of practice, so I prepared myself for that (I just stand under the basket). What really happened was quite the contrary.

In high school, when I heard the words "defensive slides", a part of me died. So, to hear those same words to begin practice today nearly killed me. We have never been told to do defensive slides, ever. The only drill we do is zig-zags (dribbling the ball back and forth with a defender on you) against the girls. We only did this for three minutes, but I swear it felt like an eternity. I was worried the coaches were disappointed at our defensive effort in practice (what effort?) but turns out they were just wanting to get us warmed up for the day. I took this as meaning that we were going to be playing a lot of defense. For me, focusing on defense for more than about a 10 minute span is harder than hitting a golf ball with your eyes closed. But, I fight through because I'm a team player.

I'll more than likely be back later this week after the girls pull out a victory against the Hoosiers to talk more about the days leading up to Penn State. If you didn't catch on earlier, it's going to be a big game. Not only could it tie us with the Nittany Lions at the top of the B1G, but it also gives us the tie-breaker over them if we happen to tie at the end of the season because we only play them once. Tune in tomorrow night to watch our men's team play against Dwight Schrute and his band of Loosiers (and that guy with a nose like Pinocchio when he lies).

The Always Improving

As I sit here in my apartment with Manti Te'o's girlfriend looking at the thermostat that reads slightly below freezing, I realize that I missed on my prediction about the team going undefeated in the Big 10 this year. Then again, undefeated teams in sports are boring and fascist, like strikeouts in baseball. Unless you're a fan of Connecticut or Baylor, you weren't at all excited about the seasons they went undefeated. The majority of America hates teams that win all the time, such as the New York Yankees and Duke's men's basketball team. Although I'm sure a loss at Iowa wasn't exactly pleasing to the team, just remember that eight NBA teams have lost to the Washington Wizards this year, so it happens.

I explained in my last post about the week leading up to Ohio State and how I portrayed their leading scorer. Turns out, I should have gotten the flu and sat on the sideline all week, as this is what Tayler Hill did against them last week. I get the feeling that I took an unhealthy amount of unnecessary shots in a period of four days, and then I remember I did what I was told and don't feel the slightest bit of regret. Word around the gym (I would say around the locker room like a normal teammate but I'd guess if I said that it would raise some suspicion and it wouldn't turn out well) is the team found out Hill wasn't playing until right before game time. I credit this and only this as the reason they went into multiple overtimes against the Buckeyes. I suspect Hill wasn't actually sick, but their head coach made her sit to play mind games with Coach Versyp's squad. This probably isn't a very likely situation, but we can all dream (how great is it that I worked the word dream into my blog on Martin Luther King Jr Day).

While I was waiting for some of the players to come out of the locker room after the game, I saw former Purdue standout Stephanie White getting ready to leave from announcing the game for the Big 10 Network. When I was in first grade, White did a basketball camp at Lafayette Jeff with my dad who was coaching the girls program there at the time. If I remember correctly, the camp was for fourth and fifth graders. Being the stud I was (if anyone would like to explain what happened from then to now, I'm all ears), I was allowed to participate in most parts of the camp. You could say that it was my destiny to play basketball with girls. I'm sort of like Jim Carrey in Man on the Moon who declares himself the "Inter-Gender Wrestling Champion". In my case, I'm a "Inter-Gender Basketball Champion" of sorts. I introduced myself to her and she remembered me (who wouldn't remember the only boy who participated in a girls camp?). We had a nice conversation about an internship opportunity with the Indiana Fever (where she coaches now). But, that is neither here nor there. I figured this would be a good time to tell a personal story of mine.

After the Ohio State win, the team began preparing for a so called improving Minnesota group. Improving is probably the right word because they weren't much of a match for the ladies. I would love to say that we practice guys prepared them incredibly well, but I'd be lying. The Golden Gophers' offense consists of a lot of cutting and filling spots on the perimeter. When we would cut during drills and other segments of practice, it was mandatory that we run into each other at least twice. This is not at all how Minnesota ran the offense during the game. It was probably the worst job we've done of running the scout team. Luckily, the girls came to play against the Gophers. The girls played so well that at some points it was like Minnesota had Lennay Kekua playing for them (that's two if you're counting).

According to announcers across America, every team that plays Purdue is improving. This makes me worried for the team because if the media doesn't say they're improving, then they aren't, right? Of course, Iowa is another improving team, an improving team who seemed to shoot a ridiculously high percentage from the field during the first half. Combine that with a rough start for the girls and you have a 20-point deficit at halftime. They only had one day after Minnesota to prepare for this ever improving Iowa team (tired of hearing how they're improving? So was I) so I partly blamed the events on that. The other part I blame on the fact that one of Iowa's players' mother is a Big 10 Network analyst. In other words, I'm saying the game was fixed from the beginning. The girls fought back in the second half to make it interesting, only to have their comeback efforts thwarted on the worst charge call I have ever seen.

To set the scene, freshman center Taylor Manuel catches the ball in the post almost right under the basket. Remember, NCAA basketball now has the circle under the basket that a player can't stand in and take a charge. That reminder is mostly for the referee crew of that game. Manuel spins over her left shoulder to shoot a right-handed layup, and Iowa's center falls toward the Purdue bench while standing in the dead center of the circle. I've always said the team wearing the white jerseys (the home team) gets the calls, and this was never more evident than that play. This essentially ended the last run Purdue was able to make and fell 62-46.

The RIP Squad will be back at it this week preparing for Northwestern and Michigan, two assuredly improving teams. Hopefully we decrease the number of concussions our guys get in practice and actually help the girls in some way. Michigan State has improved (last time I promise) so much so that they crept into the Top 25 rankings this week. The bad news for them is they probably won't be in the Top 25 next week. To decipher that, they're going to lose Sunday when the Boilers come to town.

Happy online dating and see you next week.

The Hobbit, But Not Really

I haven't gone into great detail about how or why the idea of RIP Squad Pains came to be. Since I've already written five different posts, telling this story is basically the RIP Squad version of The Hobbit. So, I might as well drop some knowledge on you to start. To paraphrase a series of quotes from Inception (a movie in which Leonardo DiCaprio's plays the same type of character he has played in every movie since Titanic), an idea is the most resilient parasite, can transform the world and rewrite all the rules, and be stolen by someone. I make this reference because the idea of this RIP Squad Pains idea first came from me. Taylor Jenkinson, a senior member of the practice squad last year, went deep into my brain and stole my idea. Actually, to be honest, I said in the locker room one day "Guys, we should make a Twitter account about what we do and call it like RIP Squad Pains or something cool like that." I swear, that night I get a new follower on my Twitter called "RIP Squad Pains". My genius idea had been stolen. I knew it was Taylor because I texted him asking if he took my idea and I got no response until the next time I saw him and he bursted out laughing. The icing on the cake was he wouldn't give me the account information so I could take over last year. He legitimately committed intellectual property theft and wouldn't admit it (exactly like how Mark Zuckerberg stole the Winklevoss twins' idea in The Social Network, and I guess in real life). The only difference here is, he finally gave me the login information at the beginning of this season and I finally have what is deservedly mine. So now when I become filthy rich off this idea, I don't have to go to court with anyone.

If there's one thing we learned from watching the Nebraska game, it's that senior center Drey Mingo has passed the MCAT's, has applied to Emory University in her hometown Atlanta, Georgia and that Emory should "just go ahead and accept her already". If you watched the game, you know that CBS announcer Debbie Antonelli mentioned this series of facts at least 15 times, and that is not an exaggeration in the slightest bit. Nebraska missed their first 16 shots and looked like a fifth grade elementary gym class team for the first eight minutes. Of course, by the time the Cornhuskers made their first field goal, Antonelli had mentioned Mingo and Emory together in the same sentence five times, wrote a letter of recommendation for her, and joined Emory's review board to accept her.  Once they decided warmups were over and they were a quarter into the game, Nebraska made it game worth watching (at this point Branden Dawson had already punched Travis Carroll in the Michigan State vs Purdue men's game on Big Ten Network). As this obsession with Mingo was going on, senior Sam Ostarello was, as Antonelli continued to say over and over again, "silently killing the Cornhuskers". I'm not sure, but I wouldn't say that Ostarello was still "silently" beating Nebraska when she has 17 points and 19 rebounds and the game is about over, yet Antonelli insisted that it was silent (I said she was silent but deadly, kind of like something else). I'm not going to explain the rest of the game because you can read a newspaper to find out what happened (they obviously won). You chose to read this because...well, I'm actually not sure why.

In a week where hockey unfortunately signed a bargaining agreement, Alabama showed why cousins are absolutely better than Catholics, and an entire era of Major League Baseball was apparently played without a Hall of Famer, the RIP squad crew has been back at it. I'd like to point out that I'm currently still on track in predicting the girls' undefeated Big 10 season. It may have taken one overtime apiece at both Illinois and Nebraska, but a win is a win (I know it is cliche and used by anyone who thinks they know sports but it applies here). The win at Nebraska was especially important, and it gave more publicity to the team (CBS broadcasted it, kind of a big deal) more than this blog ever could even though Purdue's student newspaper The Exponent just started including my blog on a weekly basis. 

Its been a busy week for us, we had Monday off because we had such a tough weekend of doing nothing. Tuesday, on the other hand, was one of those practices that I wish I would've been sick or injured (then again how could I be injured, and if I was nobody would care). Since the next game for the team is against Ohio State, the coaches told us what players we were and their style of play. I was dubbed as, supposedly, Ohio State's best player Tayler Hill. Coach Versyp's exact words were, "Courtney is Tayler Hill for the next 800 days." I found this to be totally preposterous because for one, she's a senior and will more than likely have a job in 800 days, and two, this Hill girl doesn't play for every team so I don't understand why I have to be her when the team plays Penn State and Wisconsin, for example. Anyway, I feel bad for Hill because she is more than likely going to get chased like a three legged cat running from a pack of dogs. I'm not saying I didn't get any shots off and didn't score in practice, because I hit my fair share of tough shots, but most people (guys for the most part) don't understand how good these girls are on defense. I've given the girls enough credit for one post, so its time to move on to Thursday. I missed practice Wednesday and I don't have a scout to tell me what happened. So if you're bummed about not knowing what happened during Wednesday's practice, I suggest you take a hike.

Thursday's events are the reason we show up to practice every other day. Thursday, was scrimmage day. We scrimmaged against the girls for a solid hour and a half, and to put it lightly, we got hosed at our own place. We couldn't catch a break with the referees, and I don't know who hired them, but they looked identical to the assistant coaches. I was clearly fouled on a shot and all the referee said to Liza Clemons was "you can't foul him like that". I responded by asking the referee (assistant Lindsay Wisdom-Hylton) if she swallowed her whistle and I got no response. We were playing a game we couldn't win. Sure we missed some shots around the basket that we should've made, but we don't do drills to make ourselves better (unless you're me practicing Dirk Nowitzki shots for no reason). The assistants gave us three plays that Ohio State has to run against the girls in the scrimmage, and it only took about five minutes for them to figure out that every play was essentially for me. Again, I hit my share of shots (probably more than the girls would like to admit), but I will say they got us probably four out of the seven segments we played. They didn't blow us out, that's never going to happen. We're a lot like the Butler men's team, except Brad Stevens isn't our coach and they would probably beat us by 60 in a real game. It was frustrating to lose like that, but tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow would actually be today and we had the day off so that statement makes no sense. 

To end this latest installment of RIP Squad Pains, I'd like to give Ethan Foxworthy a shout out. Ethan finished his managing duties over Christmas break and is now student teaching some poor, unfortunate souls (just kidding dude). I'd like to say that not only do I miss having Ethan around, but apparently so does Coach Versyp because one of the managers messed up the clock during practice the other day and the volume of her voice rose substantially. On that note, tune in next week for more and do yourself a favor by picking up a copy of The Exponent next Thursday.

For the last time, Roll Tide

New Year Resolutions

For the record, I never once bought into the fact that the world would end in 2012. I found it about as ludicrous as Ludacris (clever, I know). So, when I stepped out of my makeshift bunker made of four chairs and a blanket in my family room, I immediately removed anything I learned about the Mayans from my brain because they lost all credibility, kind of like how Lou Holtz will lose what little credibility he has when Alabama rolls over Notre Dame in the National Championship. In the words of the lifetime, and somewhat mentally insane, Alabama fan (Harvey Updyke) who poisoned the Toomer's Corner trees on Auburn's campus, Roll Damn Tide! The important thing here is we all survived December 21, 2012 by doing nothing more than what we do on a daily basis, which for me was watching the team play IUPUI (obviously Purdue doesn't play IUPUI every day but I figured I would clear that up for those of you who have an IQ equal to that of Forrest Gump's). 

This is probably a good time to give an update on the ladies' season for you people who don't really follow them (and if you don't follow them religiously I pity you). With an 11-2 record and the two losses being to number one and five Connecticut and Notre Dame, respectively, the team begins Big 10 play tonight against Illinois. I'm going to go on record and say they'll finish undefeated in the conference during the season. You're probably thinking, "That's a bold statement Courtney, I highly doubt that will happen." You're right, it is bold, but I figure that if the girls can guard our group of practice guys, they can guard whatever Penn State and Nebraska throw at them. If they don't finish undefeated, I'll admit I was wrong and go on with my life. But, if they finish undefeated, anyone who reads this post will donate $10 to my college fund. I will, in fact, track every one of you down. I have a very particular set of skills that I've acquired after watching both Taken movies, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. 

At this point, I really wish I had a new, funny story about practice to tell. But, the fact is practice has been somewhat uneventful over break. I really haven't done much except drink Gatorade and talk to the managers. With that said, I've decided to share my experiences at the team banquets so far. As a sophomore, I've only been to three, but let me tell you those three have provided more than enough entertainment. If you played a high school sport, you're banquets were probably really, really lame. Like, lame as in people brought KFC and Pizza Hut for dinner because they were too lazy to cook, and these people were probably the parents of your lazy ass teammates. Somebody always brought some kind of casserole dish that looked so awful everybody made a face and scooted away from it as they walked down the line. I always believed dessert was the way to go because, for one, everybody likes dessert, and two, even if you bring a bad dessert, its still better than 75% of the main dishes brought. Then, after you ate the three things that looked like it wouldn't give you chronic diarrhea, your coach got up and talked...and talked...and talked about the season. My high school basketball banquet always happened to fall on the Sunday of the final round of the Masters. So, naturally, I would put my phone in my lap and watch Tiger and Phil go at it and fist pump along with them. I got the "put your damn phone away" look from my mother but I didn't care. I was just passing the time until I got my letter then I could get out of there. 

Purdue being the classy university that it is, takes athletic banquets to a new level. The first one I attended was the preseason banquet last season and was held in the Ross Ade Stadium press box. I had only been practicing with the team for a couple weeks at the time, so I wasn't sure how things worked and what people wore to these banquets. I decided to play it safe and go with a dress shirt and tie Good decision right? Well, other than one of the assistant coaches, I was the only person under 60 years old wearing a tie. The other practice guys were wearing a polo and dress pants. In fact, I believe Jed Hasselbring (fellow practice bitch, you'll be hearing his name from time to time, so learn it) was wearing white Jordan's. I felt about as out of place as Kobe Bryant in a room full of the NBA's greatest passers. 

They sat the practice squad and the managers at the back two tables in the room, which was fine by me because we were the closest to the buffet line and made it easier when I went back for seconds and thirds and maybe fourths. I figured I would be sitting with the rest of the practice guys, but that would only make sense right? I got the s-h-i-t end of the stick and got stuck with one other practice guy (which was fine) and six fans who apparently wanted to play an extended version of 20 questions with us called 10,000 questions. Like I said, I hadn't been practicing with the team for long, so I knew next to nothing about the team and barely knew who was who. They kept asking Corbin (the other practice guy) and I these questions about the players and how good we thought the team was going to be. Luckily I've had a lot of practice when it comes to making things up, I get a lot of chances in the classroom and it finally paid off. I fed them  I distinctly remember how these ladies were obsessed with point guard KK Houser, but the problem was they kept calling her Kiki. I didn't have the guts to correct them and sort of wanted this to continue because it was very entertaining but eventually it became annoying. I kept looking at the table next to us with everyone else and they were just having the time of their life watching me lose my mind. It was like being stuck at the kids table at a family gathering and looking over at the adult table thinking how cool it would be to sit with the cool people. 

The last two banquets have been at the Four Points by Sheraton in West Lafayette, which ironically is where my high school also held a banquet for the top 50 students in my graduating class (I happened to be at table one). College banquets differ from high school banquets in multiple ways. The most obvious being the food. I give props to the Sheraton, they don't serve KFC and Pizza Hut. Its usually some kind of meat with red potatoes and green beans. They give us the dessert on our table at the beginning which I believe is code for dessert first. Someone at my table always ends up without a chocolate cake and never knows why. The best part of these banquets is by far the rolls, and anyone who has ever been at one of these banquets will back me up. In fact, they're so good I slipped a $5 bill into the waiter's pocket (big spender) to keep a steady dose of them coming our way. 

The team banquet usually consists of Coach Versyp saying some words, as well as athletic director Morgan Burke and radio announcer Tim Newton. Then comes story time from the players, a time when they share team events with a group of people who paid to sit, eat, and listen to their idols speak. If you're expecting me to remember a particular story told by one of the players, you should realize that's not my job. I will say this, I sat next to the kid who wears the Purdue Pete costume at the last banquet and it ruined my childhood, kind of like finding out Santa...well never mind. Purdue Pete always seemed real even though his head isn't at all proportionate to his body. 

As we enter the new year and you all break your resolutions this month, I have big plans for the blog. The biggest being that The Exponent, Purdue's student newspaper, will be including parts of my blog posts on a weekly basis beginning next week. From there, I plan on getting interviews with ESPN and 60 Minutes. I don't think getting Erin Andrews to interview me is asking too much. College football season is practically over and she's bound to be bored. Maybe I'll be offered a job to write nonsense for a magazine, which would really make getting my education at Purdue somewhat pointless. At this point you've figured out this post has absolutely nothing to do with New Year resolutions. But, I got you to read this far because you thought I would have a witty and interesting resolution. Sorry to disappoint, but I don't.

Happy New Year and Roll Tide