The Mackey Basketball Massacre

It has been a rough stretch for the ladies here the past two weeks with three losses out of their last four games. It began with the loss to Penn State, then Michigan and Iowa have added to the loss column. A win at Wisconsin is the one positive note for them. But, the good news is a matchup against Indiana at the Hall of Calls on Wednesday will hopefully turn this streak around and get them playing well just in time for March.

I believe I speak for the rest of the practice guys when I say I'm ready for them to start playing well again. Don't get me wrong, a normal practice is more physical than people would think women's basketball can be. But, when the coaching staff decides it is time to prove a point and see what the players are made of, it becomes a horror movie for us. That might be a slight exaggeration, but I'm telling you it's terrifying to see the look in a ticked Drey Mingo's eyes when she has the ball and wants to score. There's a mutual understanding among everyone in the gym that nobody is going to stop her when she is in that mode. The poor, unfortunate soul who had to (attempt to) guard her took a beating. It just so happens that it was me, luckily I wear a mothpiece otherwise I would've been sucking my food through a straw for the next three months. It wasn't just her, everyone was playing for their spot. It didn't help that there were only two RIP Squad guys there (myself and Chris Knefelcamp), so we were needing an oxygen mask by the time we were done. I found myself quoting the Mista Mista lady from Happy Gilmore, "Get me outta here!" Except it was legitimately out of fear.

We had two days or practice between Michigan and Wisconsin. Day one was the more physical of the two, mostly because they didn't go over Wisconsin's scouting report and instead appeared to reenact the D-Day invasion of Omaha Beach. If you never paid attention in history class, D-Day was one of our nation's bloodiest days. Obviously the amount of blood shed at practice (I really don't think anyone bled at all actually) doesn't compare to that of D-Day. I will say it was the second scariest practice of my life. The first you ask? The number one scariest (or just downright awful) practice of my life came in high school when my coach brought out one ball and told us all to grab towels. We proceeded to do defensive and rebounding drills for the next three hours.

You're probably thinking that isn't that bad, but then I tell you that we had to run what we called "17's" every time we lost a rebounding drill. A 17 is running sideline to sideline 17 times in half a minute, it also goes by the name Hell (I believe you've heard of that). In order to win the drills, our varsity team had to get a certain number of rebounds before the junior varsity team did. It sounds reasonable, except when your coach is borderline insane and says we had to get 10 before the JV got two. It was a losing battle to say the least.

The day before the matchup against Wisconsin included some of the previous day's physical activities, but we also ran the scout team for the Badgers. This is usually the highlight of our time at practice, except for that day I was forced to shoot left handed so the girls could get used to whoever I was supposed to be. It would have been more beneficial, for myself and the team, if I tried to kick the ball in instead of shooting it with my left hand. I've never needed, or even tried to shoot left handed, therefore, my performance was poor and embarrassing. There's a good chance I set the record for most air balls in Cardinal Court history, although I'm not sure if that or any other statistic is actually kept.

With only four games remaining in the season, the RIP Squad's season is quickly coming to an end. This of course depends on how far the team advances into the tournament. A couple of us have decided we're going to make a trick shot video since we have access to a massive gym and are allowed to stay as long as we want after practice. I figure this would be a great way to cap off another season of RIP Squad basketball. We'll start beginning this week and hopefully have it finished before the B1G tournament starts. If you've been following along with all the blog updates, you know I dream of hitting a shot from the rafters in Mackey Arena. This is a tough task for sure, but I'll do anything to make it happen (maybe not anything). Since I give the people what they want, I figured I'd give you all something to look forward to. We'll also be sending it to ESPN to be on the Top 10 plays. So check there to see me toss it from the rafters, drain it, and then pass out from my severe fear of heights. To finish, I'd like to quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken." Take that for what its worth.

We Talkin Bout Practice?

Due to complications in my schedule (studying for exams), I wasn't able to put up another post last week before the Penn State game. So, I apologize and any complaints can be addressed to my statistics professor. We were fortunate enough to be able to practice in Mackey Arena last Wednesday before the men’s game against Indiana, which means all the decorations, if you will, were put up for the game. The “Defense Lives Here” turnover counter was up by the student section, the Big 10 Network had their advertisement signs posted, and the biggest deal to us was that the announcing crew for the game was in the gym watching practice. It was a shame Gus Johnson wasn't there, because I may have passed out on the spot. We honestly felt like we were about to play a rival practice squad on national television, but we weren’t. We were still playing against the girls and getting them ready for their game the next night against the Hoosiers. This still doesn’t take away from the fact that we get jacked up to practice in these scenarios, even when it only happens about once a year. Actual athletes dream about playing on big stages, like a National Championship game, but we get excited when someone comes in the gym to watch practice. 

From there we moved on to two days of preparation before the team traveled to State College to face the Nittany Lions (if anyone can tell me what a Nittany Lion is I'd appreciate it). The team knew it was a big matchup. So did we, but we usually don’t get yelled at if we have a bad practice or play sluggish so it was just another day at the office for us. Penn State has a solid lineup led by junior guard Maggie Lucas and senior center Nikki Green. My job was to portray Lucas to the best of my abilities by not only imitating her skills, but also being an emotional player. For example, she hit a mid-range jump shot against the team and threw her hands in the air like she had just hit a buzzer beater. The coaching staff put together a game plan to focus on Lucas, and they made sure the players knew this in practice. In other words, this was a game plan to make me exhausted by running off screens and being chased like dogs on a three-legged cat, me being the cat. 

Let me say something about the physicality of women's basketball; I leave practices with more cuts and bruises practicing with these girls than I ever did in high school, and I believe the other guys on the squad are the same way. When we run sets against the girls, I usually get guarded by Dee Dee Williams, Chantel Poston, and KK Houser. Not at the same time of course, they rotate in. I always dreamed of being Michael Jordan but it clearly hasn't worked out that way, so it isn't necessary for me to be guarded by three people. They grab and pull to an extent that sometimes I'll just give up trying to go off a screen because it's not going to happen. I gave up on tucking my jersey in a long time ago, they just pull it out every play. But, I guess it isn't as bad as last year when Nette Howard (who graduated last year) ripped my jersey. 

You're probably thinking that being grabbed all practice is the worst it gets, well it isn't, it can be worse. Coming off a screen on offense is difficult, but trying to get through screens on defense is even worse. Guys set screens with our hands down protecting a certain reproductive organ that we all watch a film about in like fourth or fifth grade. Girls set screens with their arms up, and elbows out. This simulates something like the spike room Indiana Jones encounters since the girls all have pointy elbows. I think all of our guys have a bruise in one spot that stays there all season because we get hit by a screen in the same spot. 

Tomorrow the girls play Michigan at home, a game that would be a nice win to stay on track for the top spot in the conference. I'm just glad I won't have to see those bright yellow jerseys live, but I'm bringing my sunglasses just in case. The Wolverines have a lot of height, aren't particularly quick, and will zone you to sleep. As Coach Versyp put it in this morning's practice, if the girls can defend the three and keep them off the offensive glass they'll pick up a win. 

The coaches came to us last week and gave us some great news, if I do say so myself. The Big Ten tournament is in Chicago this year, and the coaching staff has reserved rooms for us in the team hotel for that weekend. First, we can't thank them enough for doing this. A special thanks to Director of Basketball Operations Terry Kix who is battling stomach cancer and doing exceptionally well. She's been such an inspiration to the team and us as well. Terry and the rest of the coaches have always been great to us so this is just icing on the cake. Second, it will be a wicked awesome time for the seven or eight of us who are able to go. We did the same thing last year in Indianapolis when they won the tournament, which made the trip even better. There's a good chance I'll be writing about out adventures during that weekend. Expect something similar to The Hangover, but without a wedding, alcohol, drugs, casinos, a fat man with a beard, and a naked Chinese guy.